Work · Meetings and coworkers
Lunch with new coworkers: what to say
At your first lunches with new coworkers, start with the food and the place, then the work, but not pay or the boss, and save one thing outside work for later. Ask the table about the office, not about themselves. Give one piece of yourself, then hand it back. When they gossip, stay warm and add nothing. And don't wait to be invited: "Mind if I tag along?"
How to eat lunch with people at work
Day three at the new job. At 12:05, three people from your team stand up, and someone holds up a set of car keys: "Pho?" Nobody looks your way, so you eat a granola bar over your inbox. They weren't shutting you out. Each of them assumed someone else would ask you.
Stand up while they're still finding their jackets: "Mind if I tag along?" No reason, no apology. It's easy to say yes to, and easy to turn down if the lunch is private: "This one's a birthday thing. Next time?" Then next time, ask again.
The desk is the trap. It feels productive and safe, but after two weeks of it the table stops expecting you. And the talk you'd skip isn't filler. In a three-week study of employed adults, on days with more small talk at work, people felt more positive social emotions and ended the workday feeling better (Methot et al., 2021).
The same study found the talk made it harder to stay focused on the work, so you don't owe the table the whole hour. If you have a one o'clock, say so as you sit down: "I've got to run at quarter to, but I wanted to come." When it's time, one line and go: "That's me. Thanks for letting me crash."
Lunchtime topics for a new job
Take the topics as a ladder, one rung at a time.
- The food and the place. Anyone can answer, and nobody needs to know you yet: "Is the green salsa as hot as it looks?" It sounds like nothing, and it says you're easy to have along.
- The work around the work. The commute, the parking, the software everyone fights with, what the team actually does all day. Not HR questions: "What do they pay you?" or "What's the boss really like?" asks people to go on record in front of their coworkers, to someone they met on Monday.
- One thing outside work. After a lunch or two, taken from something you can see: "You biked in? From where?" Light, not heavy: no politics, no "So, are you married?"
The best question for the new guy is about the place, not about anyone at the table: "What's the thing nobody tells new people about this office?" At a long cafeteria table, Nadia from billing answers first: "The third-floor restroom. Never." Desmond adds, "And never microwave fish. There was a meeting about it." Everyone gets to be the expert, nobody is on the spot, and you're in on two of the table's running jokes.
These people are acquaintances for now, and that counts. Students felt happier and more like they belonged on days when they talked with more classmates than usual, and studies that counted all of people's daily interactions found the same link with acquaintances (Sandstrom & Dunn, 2014).
What to say when they ask about you
When the table turns to you with "So where were you before this?", give one piece with a detail in it, then hand it back: "Eight years at a sign shop in Toledo. I can still letter a truck door by hand. Did most of you come from agencies?" The layoff, the divorce and the boss you left can wait for people who know you. And skip "I'm hopeless with new systems, ha": they won't know whether to laugh or reassure you.
Most of the hour, they'll talk among themselves about people you don't know yet. A reaction gets you in without stopping them. Tobias says the fire alarm went off in the middle of the all-hands, and the VP kept presenting. "Through the alarm? That's commitment." A run of questions, "Which VP? Which room?", stops their story to brief you.
Then keep one thing each person tells you. Desmond mentions his daughter's robotics team has its first competition Saturday. On Monday, "How did the robots do?" tells him you were listening.
When the table starts gossiping
Sooner or later, someone leans in: "You'll find out about Brent." Both easy replies cost you. "Ugh, really?" puts you in on it in week two, about a man you've never worked with. "I like to make up my own mind about people" is a sermon from the newest person at the table. Stay warm, add nothing, and turn the talk to the person in front of you.
Don't add fuel even when you agree. In four studies, people who described traits in others came to be seen as having those traits themselves, even with no logical reason for the link (Skowronski et al., 1998). Call Brent lazy at lunch, and a little of the lazy sticks to you. A practical warning is different: "Get Brent's sign-off in writing" is information. "Good to know, thanks."
A scene to try
Your second Thursday at a distribution center, lunch at the picnic table behind the loading dock. Jolene from shipping unwraps a sandwich and sighs: "Honestly, this place has gone downhill since the new ops manager took over." Two others glance at you to see which way the new guy leans. What do you say?
One way to handle it
"Mm, I'm too new to have a before. Where's that sandwich from?"
Why it works
- "Mm" shows you heard her: not a yes, and not a correction.
- "Too new to have a before" is true and takes no side, so nobody wonders what you'll repeat.
- The question goes to Jolene, about something she likes, so the talk moves from the manager who isn't there to the person who is.
In the app, the lesson "Warm Without the Gossip" ends with a scene like this one: you type or say your own line, and the AI tells you what landed and what to change.
If she goes back to the manager, turn once more, then let it be. Lunch ends either way.
How to be funny in your first week
In week one, your jokes have no history, so a tease that would be friendly among old friends can land as a verdict. A joke is a bet. Across eight experiments, jokes that landed raised the teller's status, while inappropriate ones lowered it: they made the teller seem confident but less competent (Bitterly et al., 2017).
Aim at the place. The fourth-floor conference room is called Serenity, and its light flickers like a horror movie: "Serenity, now with strobe lighting." One line, then back to the talk. Leave alone what someone at the table chose, like their lunch or their team's process. Skip the boss and the layoffs, and leave anyone's bad news alone until they joke about it first.
When they tease you, agree and make it bigger. To "They put you by the copier? Classic new-guy desk," try "The copier and I are on a first-name basis already." Arguing tells them it landed.
The quiet one at the end of the table
You're not the only one who barely talks. At the end of the table, Sanjay eats his rice while three people argue about fantasy football. Skip "You're quiet!": it points at his silence in front of everyone and leaves him nothing to offer but an excuse. Sit at his end if you can, and ask him by name about something he knows, not a test: "Sanjay, you run the test lab, right? What's the strangest thing anyone's sent you?" If he answers in a word, "Fair enough," and let him be. One try, not a project.
Try it today
Two reps, at today's lunch or tomorrow's.
- When the people near you head out to eat, stand up before they've gone: "Mind if I tag along?" If you need to be back early, say so as you sit down.
- At the table, ask the place question once: "What's the thing nobody tells new people about this office?" Afterward, note one thing someone told you, to hand back next time.
Practice this in the app
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Two lessons on exactly this, "Warm Without the Gossip" and "Remember One Thing": the turn that moves the talk off someone who isn't there, and the one detail you hand back at the next lunch. Each ends with a scene you answer in your own words and one line to use the same day. The quiz builds your path first; your first course is free, with AI feedback included.
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Questions people ask
How do I talk to coworkers at a new job?
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Sources checked
- Methot, J. R., Rosado-Solomon, E. H., Downes, P. E., & Gabriel, A. S. (2021). Office chitchat as a social ritual: the uplifting yet distracting effects of daily small talk at work. Academy of Management Journal. doi:10.5465/amj.2018.1474
- Sandstrom, G. M., & Dunn, E. W. (2014). Social interactions and well-being: the surprising power of weak ties. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. doi:10.1177/0146167214529799
- Skowronski, J. J., Carlston, D. E., Mae, L., & Crawford, M. T. (1998). Spontaneous trait transference: communicators take on the qualities they describe in others. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.74.4.837
- Bitterly, T. B., Brooks, A. W., & Schweitzer, M. E. (2017). Risky business: when humor increases and decreases status. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. doi:10.1037/pspi0000079