Conversation · Small talk and flow
How to get out of "interview mode"
Interview mode is a turn-taking problem: you ask, they answer, and then they wait for your next question. To break it, react to what they said before you ask anything, ask about their answer instead of opening a new topic, and give one line of your own before you hand the talk back. The questions aren't the problem. A conversation with only one person's life in it is.
Why your conversations feel like an interview
A conversation runs on turns, and each turn hands the other person something to pick up. When every answer gets only another question back, they never get anything of yours.
On a forty-minute carpool to the regional office, you ask Rafael from two floors up how long he's been with the company, whether he likes it, where he lives, whether he has kids. Each answer is short and complete, and then he looks at the road and waits. By the exit ramp you know four facts about him, and he knows nothing about you.
From the inside, there are three signs:
- They answer and wait. Nothing added, no question back.
- The topic changes every turn. Work, then home, then kids: each answer closes a door, and you open a new one.
- It feels like work. While they talk, you're hunting for the next question, so you only half hear the answer.
It usually comes from care, not rudeness: a question is polite and keeps the spotlight off you. The fear behind it, that they won't like what they see, is usually wrong: after conversations with new people, people systematically underestimated how much their partner liked them and enjoyed their company (Boothby et al., 2018). Rafael doesn't need to be kept busy. He needs something of yours to answer.
React before you ask
A reaction is a turn too. Before your next question, say something about the answer you just got: a word from it with real surprise, a small feeling, a small verdict.
Your neighbor Gus, hauling a white wooden box out of his truck, tells you he's started keeping bees and got stung four times the first week. The interview version: "How many hives do you have?" The reaction version: "Four times in one week? I'd have taken that personally." He laughs: "Oh, it was personal. I dropped the lid on them." Now he's telling a story, and you haven't asked a thing.
A question asks them for the next thing. A reaction shows the last one landed and lets them carry on.
The questions that keep a conversation going
Questions come in two kinds. A follow-up goes deeper into what they just said. A reset opens a new topic and starts the interview over.
At the climbing gym, Theo tells you he just moved here from Duluth, and everyone at work keeps warning him about the summers. The reset: "So what do you do for work?" The follow-up: "What are they warning you about, the heat or the bugs?" "Both," he says. "A guy showed me a photo of a cicada like it was a crime scene." The follow-up came from his own word, "warning."
In live get-to-know-you conversations, people who asked more questions, particularly follow-up questions, were better liked by their partners, and people told to ask more questions came across as more responsive: listening, understanding and caring (Huang et al., 2017). So the fix isn't fewer questions. It's questions that grow out of the last answer: a follow-up shows you heard it, and a reset shows you were waiting for it to end.
Answer your own question
The quickest way out of an interview is to be in it yourself:
- Say why you're asking. At the dog park, you ask the owner of a calm old Lab, "How did you get him this calm? I ask because mine just ate a tennis ball and part of the fence." Now they have your dog to laugh at, not just a question.
- Go first. Your answer, then the question: "My commute is forty minutes of podcasts I don't remember. What's yours like?" It shows them how much to say.
- Keep "me too" to one line. A coworker says they're learning guitar at forty. "Me too, sort of: I've owned a guitar for ten years and know two chords. What made you finally start?" One line, then the topic is theirs again.
When they ask you back, "What about you?", take the turn. "Oh, not much" sounds modest, but it hands them the work again. One or two honest sentences, then back to them.
Size your piece to theirs: two sentences from them, about two from you. Not a speech, and not a word. In get-acquainted conversations, pairs who took turns opening up reported more attraction to each other than pairs who did it one at a time, one talking about themselves while the other listened (Sprecher & Treger, 2015). And across many studies, people who share more personal things tend to be liked more, and people come to like those they've opened up to (Collins & Miller, 1994).
A scene to try
At a drive-in, the cars are parked side by side before the film starts. Florian, a guy you know from your neighbor's parties, leans on the hood of the car next to yours. He tells you he just got back from five weeks walking the Camino: his feet are wrecked, but it was the best thing he's ever done. What do you say?
One way to handle it
"Two days on a trail wrecked me, so five weeks sounds like a different sport. What was the best day?"
Why it works
- "A different sport" is a reaction: it tells him the news landed before you ask anything.
- Your own story gets one clause, on his topic, so it adds to his news instead of competing with it.
- The question goes deeper into his news instead of moving on, and the best day is the part he wants to tell.
In the app, the lesson "Keep It on Them" ends with a scene like this one: you type or say your own line, and the AI tells you what landed and what to change.
How to have a conversation without asking questions
Not every turn needs a question mark. A statement about what they said, or a small opinion, gives them something to pick up without putting them on the spot. When the talk has already gone quiet, bring something of your own; this is for mid-conversation, when the next question is already on your lips.
On the pool bleachers during the kids' swim lesson, Andre, another dad, says his son only signed up because his best friend did. Your question reflex: "How old is he?" A statement does more: "That's how I ended up in Scouts. My friend quit after a month, and I stayed six years." Or a small opinion: "Honestly, that's the best reason to join anything at that age." A statement asks for nothing, which is exactly why people pick it up.
What to aim for: by the end, you each know a few real things about the other, and most of your questions came out of something they said. If you could describe their week and they couldn't name one thing about yours, it was an interview, however friendly.
When questions are the right move
Sometimes a run of questions is the right call. The test is the length of their answers: if they keep getting longer, your questions are working.
- They want to be asked. A coworker back from parental leave, phone already out with the baby photos. Ask, and keep asking: "Okay, who does the baby look like?"
- They're hurting. A friend tells you their dad died last month. Ask, "How are you doing with it?", and listen. Keep your own loss for when they ask: told now, it moves the talk to you.
- They love their topic. At the farmers market, the hot-sauce seller lights up when you ask about the peppers. Follow the peppers: "Which one is the hottest you grow?"
When their answers shrink to one sentence again, that's the switch: hand them something of yours.
Try it today
Two reps, with whoever is around.
- In your next conversation, react to their first answer before you ask a second question: a word from it with real surprise, a small feeling or a small verdict. Then see whether they keep going on their own.
- The next time you ask anyone a question, add your own answer in one line, before it or right after. Afterward, notice whether they asked you anything back.
Practice this in the app
Conversation Skills
A lesson on exactly this, "Keep It on Them": react to what someone tells you, and give your own story one line before you hand it back. It ends with a scene you answer in your own words and one line to use the same day. The quiz builds your path first; your first course is free, with AI feedback included.
New subscribers get the first 7 days of the yearly plan free. The subscription renews automatically until you cancel it in your store settings.
Questions people ask
Am I boring to talk to if I mostly ask questions?
What if I don't have any cool stories to tell?
How do I stop planning my next question while they're talking?
Sources checked
- Huang, K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J., & Gino, F. (2017). It doesn't hurt to ask: question-asking increases liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. doi:10.1037/pspi0000097
- Sprecher, S., & Treger, S. (2015). The benefits of turn-taking reciprocal self-disclosure in get-acquainted interactions. Personal Relationships. doi:10.1111/pere.12090
- Collins, N. L., & Miller, L. C. (1994). Self-disclosure and liking: a meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin. doi:10.1037/0033-2909.116.3.457
- Boothby, E. J., Cooney, G., Sandstrom, G. M., & Clark, M. S. (2018). The liking gap in conversations: do people like us more than we think? Psychological Science. doi:10.1177/0956797618783714